The End

I've been staring at this practically blank screen for about the past week, wondering why I'm having such a hard time putting things into words. A few weeks ago, I felt super ready to put it out there and move on. And then, the Olympic Trials started. I stared at my computer screen, agonizing with every fallen bar or crash, crying at the completion of every finals in celebration with the top 3 and hurting for #4 on. I cheered loudly for my UCD teammates, Kaitlin and Kimmy in the 10k and 5k. (Way to go ladies!!! You made us all so proud!! Congratulations Kim on your second Olympics! How awesome!!) I obsessed over every mark as it updated on the results boards, annoyed the crap out of Josh with all of my gasps, oohs, and aahs. And yet, in my track and field binge obsession, I couldn't bring myself to close out my experience and my feelings. And I finally get it; I finally see that I am just heartbroken over how things went this season. My grief and mourning wouldn't let the words come.

Watching my UCD teammates be bad asses!!!

But I get ahead of myself...

A few weeks back, we had our last track meet. Prior to that, I was a mess. I was bursting into tears over nothing (once, it was because it was dinner time and I wasn't hungry, even though I knew I needed to eat something; real, big strong woman over here haha) and freaking out at the flip of a switch. I couldn't understand what was wrong with me, until a friend suggested I might just be stressing out a little bit over the end of everything and maybe that's what the labile emotions were all about.

The meet was at Cal, under perfect conditions. Our friends and family made the trip out to Berkeley to give us their love and support. It was so heartening to have them there; we were finally able to show them what we have been spending countless hours working on.

Sooo glad Heather is taking our photo!! <3

First up was long jump. Once again, I was feeling pretty good in warmups. In practice the previous week, we focused on just getting back to the basics and jumping UP. Really getting into good take-off position and making some space between myself and the ground. And I felt like things were improving. A few times even, I was able to run all the way through while only focusing on jumping up and I'd pop a big one out there. But that was practice, where things don't really count. I fouled my first jump, which was somewhat encouraging; at least I was running through the board. Next jump was 18'10". I felt pretty good about opening with that and was feeling confident that things would get even better.... Unfortunately, they didn't....  That was as far as I ended up jumping. Which meant it was over.... My goal of trying for trials had ended. I was barely even able to break 19' this whole season. All I wanted to do was run behind the stands and cry. I just felt embarrassed in a way. I kept telling people that this was what I was working towards. And to fall so completely short made me feel like a fraud in a way. Like I believed I was trying to convince people I was part of this league that I didn't meet the qualifications to be in in the first place. 

Luckily, my family and friends were there to distract me and make me focus on my next event, high jump. Josh started warming up for pole vault so my old high school track teammate and now a coach, Jon, helped me get my steps. I had such a hard time focusing; every few jumps, I'd take off correctly, but I was sooo inconsistent. (Guess that's what happens when you don't work on a skill event and then just throw yourself in there.) I felt pretty lost while I was out there and I was out after just clearing my opening height of 4'9". 

How do you know we're friends? I think those smiles say it all...

Time to move onto the 100. I knew that this was it. There were no more races after this so I poured everything I had into it. I didn't run a very good technical race, but still ran a 12.32, which is my second fastest time ever behind the 12.28 I ran during the previous meet. Which was bittersweet in some ways. I ran pretty good despite not racing the open 100 or really working on blocks. I just went out there, shut my brain off, and did it. Not that I needed anymore evidence that Josh is right, but that race truly showed me that when I let my body to the work, it gets the job done. 

Josh's time to shine was up. He had been having a really hard time getting off the ground during practice. He'd be fine from 4 strides, but then he'd move back to his 5 or 6 and he wouldn't be able to get off the ground again. We weren't sure how he was going to respond. He decided to come in about a foot lower than he normally does. He looked really good over the first 2 bars, clearing 12'5". Then, he struggled to get off the ground the next bar up. There are other all-comer pole vault meets during the season, but he's not sure if he'll go to them.

Yay Josh!!! And no, that bar is not falling with him. ;D

 ...

At the beginning of the season, we talked a lot about the extra amount of commitment we were going to give to this season. I was going to get massages on a regular basis, find a sports psychologist to help me work through some of my mind blocks, foam roller at least weekly, eat well and sleep lots. Pretty much all of those things went out the window though. There were many reasons they didn't happen, but ultimately, it was my decision making that caused my focus to wane. I love this sport so much. While the doping and the politics may dirty the water, at the end of the day, it's still a race from when the gun goes off until you cross that finish line. There's not a lot of room for intellectual discussions about who is better than whom. There's only so much speculation around who is the best, because it's right there in black and white. It's what makes the successes amazingly sweet and makes the defeats bitterly hard. I know I'll get over it eventually. But for now, my failures from this season hurt pretty bad.

Last photo as track and field athletes  :(

Initially, I intended to say all the fun things we plan on doing now that things are over. But for the moment, I think I'll save that for another post.